Serious Poetry
Express or Die
There were seven of us in my family:
Three big-brothers, one big-sister
A big father, a big mother
And me
They all died
And here is my cry…
Ours was a home of the party-line
Lesser-laws could be said out loud
That was fine,
But the Martial-law
Was a stoney, silent line
You did not cross.
DON’T TELL
DON’T SHARE
DON’T MAKE OBVIOUS
DON’T THINK ABOUT IT…
Charismatic daddy creeping around to our rooms at night
Hypnotized and hypnotizing
Mommy loving her notion of us yet the mere hint of criticizing,
Of revealing the fact there was no true-love in her heart
And she’d turn on you like a poison dart.
We law-abiding children-citizens of the kingdom
Were Suffocated, saturated, and deeply sad
Self-hatred seeped and steeped into our souls
“YOU are the bad ones…” we were told
And drinking excessively dulled the pain
Freebasing cocaine created another type of insane
The rush of petty (and not so petty crimes)
distracted…a lot
Rush, rush, rushing around to keep what you got
Except that
Real truth pounded,
and pushed, and pummeled
The backs of our teeth
Bleeding tongues
Bitten over and over
gagging back the grief
But When I was still my small little-self
I found some paper and a pencil on a forgotten shelf
And I wrote that
I didn’t feel good
I wrote that something was wrong
I wrote and wrote and wrote
every thought-song that my little brain-washed brain could squeeze out
I said it!
I knew it!
I expressed it!
AND
I am alive because of it!
I’m Listening
What is being said?
…by the birds
by another person
by the wind whipping under clouds crashing together making thunder,
Or a simple lack of noise
Breathing
a quiet tick, tick, tick
I had (well ok, still have) a lot to say
To share
To explain
To extrapolate and translate
But the words are slowly slowing down
the pauses are growing
Time for my ears do their work
Time for synapses to swirl and sift
Time for messages to be received
Time for just…nothing
Or something unexpected
I don’t have to DO
I don’t have to KNOW
I don’t have to FILL-UP
To be serious or delirious
Listening is mysterious
And I couldn’t live without it now
Finding No
Where were you when I needed you so bad?
All I had
Was, “well…ok” or “maaaybe”,
Which really meant: “do what you want baby”
So you came over after midnight
and tied me up
And after you finished shooting off…
Asked me to whip-up
a gourmet stroganoff
Silence and compliance was the best I swing
Two letters, one sound would have changed everything!
Nnnn… (beginning of sound) Oooo…(end of sound)
NO! – Get your rough face out of mine
NO! – Take your needs far away from me
No! – I’m juggling too much already
No! – I don’t like that – NO!
No! – I don’t want that – NO!
For me, you didn’t exist
I’d heard others insist
You had to be out there
I just didn’t know where
To find you
It turned out your residence wasn’t in a place
You were growing slowly in my heart-space.
The cry of a dry fear inside me
encased me, numbed, and erased me
Yet when I watered it with tears of pain
when I fed my soul with truth-rain
When I became valuable to me…
Was when I found you!
Finding Yes
Before when life was a mess
I didn’t allow in the simpleness of YES
A breathe-in of ease
A song of calm
Permission for mission-me
The answer my worried self has always dreamed of…
Am I safe? – YES
Is it ok? – YES
Will it last? – YES
Do I need too? – YES
Can I meet it myself? – YES
Is it true? – YES
Is it real? – YES
Is it mine? – YES
Do I have the right? – YES
You seemed so elusive
Others got you
Others had the privilege
Others could relax
Good grief!
Finally, in desperate, dire, so much needed relief
I knew that I deserved you
and that’s when you were found
Now That I Don’t Need You
I don’t hate you anymore
Now that I don’t need you
I don’t want to hit you in the head
Or slap your face
Or shake sense into your brain
Now that I don’t need you
I don’t want to report you,
Punish you and cut you
Now that I don’t need you
I don’t really care about your suffering
I know you suffered and caused suffering
But what does it matter?
Now that I don’t need you
That elusive love will never come…
Not from you, not from others
Love for me, comes
from me now
And that’s why I don’t need you anymore.
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Inspired by what I've shared? Or have your own survival story to share? I'd love to hear from you.